Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires
By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers
DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.
Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.
"It'll be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we're building them with balconies."
Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour
The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely outside of position. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:
A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate
The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation
A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")
As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."
Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But yes, sure, let's have A different put exactly where American Adult men can use robes and call it diplomacy."
In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."
Ceasefire by Cabana
U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you everyone a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.
According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":
Ceasefires brokered by towel boys
Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders
A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.
"This is certainly gentle electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."
Just what the Critics Are Screaming
Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It is Trump Tower Damascus not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."
Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the task, replied, "You already know, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"
In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."
Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping
Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Room, a aspect remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, categorised.
Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.
"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.
The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities
Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:
A silent atrium exactly where friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment
A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate control established to "distant"
A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.
Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.
Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"
The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:
"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."
A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:
"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."
Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:
34% say "it'd stabilize the world"
29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"
18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"
Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"
The job is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, like:
A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister
The Russian Guild of Oligarchs
And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."
As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even contain:
A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances
A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'
And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War
Comment Area Chaos
To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:
"Cannot wait to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."
Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:
"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."
Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:
"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"
Diplomatic Domino Influence
U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:
China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad
Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk
And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.
Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."
Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™
Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:
"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."